La la laaaaa

Watching this week's episode of "How I Met Your Mother," I was tickled to know that other people make up theme songs for what they are doing that moment in life. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, google 'Marshall versus the machines' and see if you can find a video clip.

Basically, sometimes I'll be doing an activity in life- doesn't matter what: walking downtown, going for a jog, saving baby seals in the Arctic... You know, normal stuff- and suddenly I'll start thinking about if my life were a movie right now, what kind of music would be playing at this very second. Or sometimes it hits me right away and I think things like, "man, the Space Odyssey theme song should definitely be playing right now," as it takes all of my inner strength to open my eyes, roll my legs to floor and pull myself up from bed in the morning. When I actually get to standing I sometimes think I hear a burst of applause, taking over as the theme song climaxes. It's before noon! Already a triumph for the day!

In fact sometimes I can pick the appropriate life-movie piece of music for a moment that I'm actually just imaging I wish were happening right now. Like on Monday. Monday I woke up and my soy milk was completely frozen in the refrigerator, so dry cereal it was for breakfast. A letter from the university's financial aid office and a doctor's bill waited neatly on the dining room table for me to grumble at and ignore. I started the job-hunt ritual and found something I qualified for to apply to. I then spent over 3 hours filling out ONE online application. Three hours!!! No wonder no one can get a job. We all have major ADHD because we've grown up in a technologically advanced and media bombarded society, glued to our computers, phone, tvs and devices that are all three in one, that makes our average attention span about about 20 minutes or less and so how on earth can anyone sit through an online application that is a million pages long? You should get the job just for still being alive when you get to the end of the horrid thing. I'm pretty sure one of the questions asked me what my parents would have named me if I popped out a boy instead of a girl. And don't get me started on having to write one more paragraph describing my "strengths and weaknesses."

So calling it quits on cover letter writing, I tried making my way over to the library to see if I could look up books on neurosurgery or some other useful subject matter that I might as well take the time to learn now. Good plan except apparently 2:23 in the afternoon on a Monday is everyone's favorite time to go to the library and so parking lot circling ensued for about 40 minutes, at which time I stalked someone walking back to their car and waited patiently for them to back out by providing a lofty amount of space. Of course my generosity was met by two teens in a car that pulled right in front of me and right into the spot I was so politely waiting for. They got out, gave me a smirk and skipped right on into the library. Well I know I'm not a floozy-looking 18-year old that can bat my eyes to get people to do things for but really?

Suddenly in my head The Blue Danube started playing and I couldn't help picturing me finding all the trash in the car that I could and throwing it at their back windshield. And then pouring my tea all over the car. And then screaming at the teens. And then biting my thumb at their terrified faces. And then ending the song victoriously by pulling a Fried Green Tomatoes move and ramming my car into theirs as they run in slow motion, knocking down old ladies with hands full of books and making a little boy start bawling after knocking a balloon out of his hand. Yes, Blue Danube would have really been most appropriate.

Unfortunately my life is not a movie, and things don't move in slow motion, and there is no music playing in the background. So alas, I just sat there for a minute in disbelief and irritation and then with my pride out the window, I left the parking lot to try and battle it another day.

A friend of mine shared this piece by Ratatat with me and I think it might make good life-movie background music. I'll have to store it in memory for the proper scenario it can soundtrack.

the beat goes on,

e+u

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

An argument for the solitude that I'm trying to avoid: "Solitude and Leadership" by William Deresiewicz.

Another Day, Just Breathe

Telepopmusik - Breathe from astute_class_submarine on Vimeo.

So yesterday I started the morning with three or four reject e-mails. One was from a job I applied to back in July. Nice of the them to let me know but really? It's October. I don't ever remember the company. I keep my hopes up on a job for about 6 weeks and then I call it quits, so I kind of gave up on this one ages ago. Nice to get the additional friendly inbox remember that I'm completely useless though.

Seriously, why bother getting up to just be slapped down every morning. That's why sometimes it's good to listen to this song by Telepopmusik. It reminds me it's another day and to "just breathe" and "just believe." I like to think it is telling me to believe that this mental hell will have an end. Yes, yes I realize there are way worse scenarios to be in and that people all over the world have it way worse than me. But there is a reason why people are terrified of solitary confinement. It means that it is just them left alone with their minds. The feeling of wasting a mind that you feel has so much potential and that you are wanting, nay- begging, to share with the world while it goes on completely satisfied ignoring you, can be so discouraging.

The worst is at night when I can't turn my mind off and it just goes on and on- worrying, calculating, arguing with itself. And there you are. Left in a sleepless misery of your own doing. I'm pretty sure my mind is my worst enemy at this point.
Then again, Helen Keller said that self pity is our worst enemy...

Getting back to this song- although I like it- what it should say is, "another day, just breathe, just get out of bed, and actually make the dang bed." Because never mind how hard it is to actually get up every morning with the feeling of why bother, I'm just going to do the exact same thing I do every day and rack up my millionth and one job application with no luck, etc, etc. But to actually MAKE the bed after you get up- hah! Talk about having the feeling of why bother! At the beginning of my job search I was so good about everything too. Setting my alarm at 7:30am to get up and be productive. Then 7:30 turned into 8am and then 9am and then 9:30am. And most of the time I only get up then so I can catch the 30min language learning program on PBS that comes on in the morning so that I feel like if I don't get a job then at least I didn't totally waste the day and got to improve my Spanish or learn more French or pretend to have a clue at all about deciphering German.

I think us educated + unemployed types should bond together and set up a calling system where we are each responsible for calling one person each morning in a similar state and making them get up, and then making them make their bed while they are at it. None of us feel like doing it, but at least if you had someone on the phone every morning reminding you that you should suck it up and get up anyway, you'd at least feel a little more guilty if you didn't. Maybe. Ok so who wants to go first and call me tomorrow and make me get up? Takers? Takers? Don't think I won't call your lazy butt at some god-awfully early time like 8:15am and do the same.

Oh ya, and now I am getting a cold too.

Great.

e+u